When the Abyss Stares Back
by nymaeria
Summary: Series of episode inserts for "Flesh and Blood."  Sam Carter is left staring into the abyss of space, giving her time to question decisions she's made in her life. Pairing: S/J


**A/N: This takes place during Season 10's "Flesh and Blood." The first scene begins after the battle, as Sam is drifting in space. The second takes place as Bra'tac is about to ram the Ha'tak into the Ori Vessel, and the third follows the end of the episode.**

**Disclaimer: Alas, I do not own Stargate and no money has changed hands in the writing of this story. It's written only for enjoyment.**

**Spoilers: Season 10's "Flesh and Blood"**

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* * *

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Wow. Space was dark. As in, really, really dark.

As an astrophysicist, she knew this of course. But knowing it, and seeing it, _feeling it_, were different things altogether. As she floated quietly along, she pondered how it was that she hadn't quite noticed this before. It's not like she hadn't travelled in ships many, many times. But then, she was usually with other people, often friends, teammates. Now there was no one left, and she was drifting alone and untethered through empty space. She couldn't help but notice the giant abyss staring back at her.

Unfortunately, though, the battle had been all too well illuminated for her. The light from the supergate reflected off the Earth ships, as if highlighting the insufficiency of their fleet in a falsely cheerful, bright blue. Then the battle had begun in earnest and the warm glow of orange was added to the ambient light as their ships began to explode. Sam had simply watched in horror and frustration, unable to do anything as her planet's defenses were systematically destroyed. One ship after the other exploded into a fiery blaze, and every time another orange glow lit the sky, she flinched. This wasn't going to end well, and it was killing her not to be there, helping in the fight, instead of out here, drifting uselessly.

After a time, the Ori had finished wreaking their destruction and headed off into space, presumably off to begin tormenting other innocent souls in their galaxy. The supergate had shut off behind them, and the blue light faded instantly to black. The fiery glows from the Earth ships diminished as the flames ran out of oxygen, and when the last embers were extinguished, she'd been left in the dark, drifting amongst the debris. And it was dark. So dark. And she was so completely alone.

It seemed endless.

After the shock of the battle, she drifted quietly, unable or perhaps unwilling to process everything she had just witnessed.

Daniel. His name finally penetrated the shock barrier of her stunned mind. What had happened to Daniel? He'd be on the Korolev and she'd seen it explode right before her eyes. She felt a small prick of hope, thinking maybe he'd been able to ascend again, but it dissipated quickly as she remembered him saying he'd need Oma's help. Plus, given how little time he'd had before the explosion, he probably hadn't been able to ascend, even if he'd tried. And if she knew Daniel, he would have been working to help keep everyone safe, probably trying to negotiate with the Ori or something, until the very end. At that thought, tears began moistening her eyes.

Buck up, Samantha! She had to figure out a way out of this. She couldn't just give up hope. It wasn't like her. It went against all her military training. As long as there is life, there is hope, right? _Ugh, this is so not the time for cliches, _she thought_. _ She looked around her, assessing her resources. She had her EVA suit, which thankfully hadn't been damaged during the electrical pulse that went along with the activation of the supergate. But damn, she'd lost her tool kit when the magboots disengaged. It had floated off on it's own trajectory. That didn't leave much in the way or resources. Other than about 6 hours of air she didn't seem to have much at her disposal. _Okay, maybe it is time for cliches._ She wasn't sure what else would get her through this.

She had to think. Her lower lip extended and let out a huff of air, fluttering the hair on her forehead. She had to do something. But what? What could she do? _Ugh, this was frustrating!_ When faced with a challenging situation, she always chose to act, to work to fix it. Now, she couldn't think of anything to even try. Damn Newton and his stupid, freaking laws. Thanks to him she couldn't even turn around and haul ass back to toolbox by the supergate. _Okay, now I'm just being irrational_, she thought with a small smile, _it's not Newton's fault. I just need to calm down_.

But somehow the more she told herself that, the more panicked she became. Thoughts of Daniel and Cam swirled through her mind, as she imagined their fates. Different possible deaths for each of them flashed before her eyes, over and over. Had their deaths been quick - had they been incinerated by the Ori energy weapons? Had they exploded or been hit by shrapnel? Had their part of the ship lost pressure? Had they died of exposure to the cold vacuum of space? Were their bodies out their floating amongst the debris? Oh God. What a horrible death. Sam was filled with despair at the thought. It didn't help that she had no idea what had happened to Teal'c either. He'd gone off in search of help, and after the battle had begun, she'd noticed some new Ha'taks arrive. Had he been with them? She had no idea. She clung to the thought that maybe he was somewhere else, safe. And thank God Jack hadn't been with them.

Oh God. Jack.

She was never going to see him again. She was going to die out here alone, and she was never going to see him again.

* * *

The longer Sam continued to drift helplessly, the more unsettled she became. The completely enforced inaction brought on by her situation was something entirely new for her. Well, if she were being honest, that wasn't entirely true. There'd been a number of situations where she'd been forced to sit and do nothing. Usually they involved being held captive by some goa'uld or another. But even then, she'd often been with her team, or at least knew that they were probably out there somewhere, working to come to her rescue or perhaps waiting for her help themselves. But now her team was gone or dead. The ones who'd joined her in this fight were almost certainly dead and the ones who'd been left behind had absolutely no idea she was out here, hovering in space. During the fight she'd managed to catch some radio chatter, and afterward she'd reached to anyone who might be listening. No one had heard. She'd likely be listed KIA, having been thought to be aboard the Odyssey when it was destroyed. _Well_, she thought as she let out a sigh, _if I don't do something soon, they'd be right about the KIA part, even if the details are somewhat lacking in accuracy_.

Over the next few hours of drifting, Sam ran though every possible resource at her disposal and considered every option at least a dozen times. This was made pretty easy since the options available to her were next to nil. After looping through her situation and limited options a number of times, her thoughts turned to those of a more personal nature. Unbidden, thoughts of Jack drifted through her mind. Thoughts she usually kept tidily suppressed under the smooth veneer of her organized and regimented life now were taking free reign in her exhausted and understimulated mind.

At first her musings were calming. She felt gratitude that Jack wasn't here, lost somewhere in nearby space, yet another victim of this hopelessly one-sided battle. He was likely back in Washington somewhere, safe and sound. Death by politician-induced-frustration-causing apoplexy was the main threat he faced at the moment. Sam had a brief chuckle at that thought, but then frowned. He had such a short fuse sometimes with politicians sometimes, it probably wasn't something to joke about.

They'd had so many small moments along the way. Brief but personal moments where some type of understanding had passed between them. Sam sighed again, frustration mingling with despair. She'd always assumed they'd have time to deal with "them" and that there'd come a time in the future when all the promise they passed between them in those small, hidden glances would be realized. They'd saved the world so many times, didn't they deserve the Happy Ending?

But so much time had passed. Had they made the right choices? Had she? Maybe she should have done something. She knew he was waiting for her to make the first move. He'd never take the first step, because he was the higher ranking officer. She knew he cared enough about her that he wanted the best for her. He would never want to hurt her career. Knowing, on some level, that the ball had been in her court, she'd let the time pass, thinking that somehow, someday the timing would be right and she'd just magically somehow know when that would be. In retrospect, maybe that was stupid. _Seriously,_ she reflected, _when was the timing __**ever**__ going to be right_? There always seemed to be another fight of intergalactic proportions right around the corner.

And really, when would have been the best time? There were so many small signals and moments of opportunity along the way... ranging from meaningful smiles to near death situations. Sam remembered so many different times when things may have gone a different way... like after the Broca virus, when Jack was teasing her about her "sweet little tank top" number. But then, that was so early on, it really wasn't more than flirting. They'd shared respect and perhaps a mutual attraction, but certainly nothing worth making drastic career changes over. There was that time after Sam had been kidnapped, when she'd spent several days thinking that if she could only work her way free, she'd certainly talk to Jack. But once ensconced safely back at the SGC, it had felt like she'd been overreacting. She also recalled the time Jack went to fly the about-to-explode stargate away from Earth. Seeing him off, she'd really wanted to say something, anything, to tell him something of how she felt. But as usual, duty interfered. It was unacceptable to jeopardize the mission by blindsiding him with an unexpected show of emotion. Time had literally been of the essence, and by the time he'd come back, the mission had been successful and there was no longer the driving need to talk to him. Once again, things could wait, or so she thought. There were dozens of points along the way, where choices had been made. Even with the benefit of time for reflection afforded her by her current situation, she still wasn't sure how she felt about the sum of all those small decisions. And so far, the universe had yet to provide any Big Signs, signs that were too obvious to ignore. Signs that cried out, "Now, damnit! Now's the time!" Sam let out a scoff at the thought. Wouldn't it be nice, if the universe really did communicate like that.

Even as she recalled her various points of opportunity over the years, she couldn't help but remember the fears that had always kept her in check: fears of rejection, fears of messing things up once they started, fears of rumors circulating about how and why exactly she'd gotten her promotions. The list went on. Even now, images of court martial flashed before her eyes, causing her breath to catch in her throat and her heart rate to accelerate in panic.

This floating and doing nothing was obviously getting to her. She had to short-circuit this infinite mental loop before she drove herself completely nuts. If these were her last hours, she didn't want to meet them in a panic-induced sweat, second guessing a lifetime's worth of decisions. Plus, wiping away tears while wearing a giant space suit wasn't exactly feasible. She took a deep breath, focused her mind, and resumed the only action she could to save her sorry ass.

"This is Lieutenant Colonel Carter. Come in Please? Can anyone hear me? Please respond..."

* * *

Wow, what a day this is turning out to be. Granted, she'd always thought she might die in battle. The risks were just part of her job, and she'd accepted that a long time ago. But she _really_ wasn't interested in dying on a suicide mission. Especially a pointless suicide mission. She understood where Bra'tac was coming from, but her logical mind kept coming up with the same answer... this was an utterly pointless way to go. She'd insisted to Bra'tac that the "chances are we'll just impact the shield. We won't do any damage to them" But he was oblivious to her words; Bra'tac only continued to stare stonily ahead. In his grief driven state, he obviously wasn't willing to listen to reason. She dimly registered the sound of Cam in the background, trying to talk Bra'tac down. She hoped he'd have better luck than she did. She never had been very good at dealing with people who for whatever reason had abandoned logical thinking. Having pointed out the obvious scientific fact, she had no idea what to say to him to change his mind.

As Cam rattled on in the background, she stared out at the Ori ship where she seemed likely to soon meet her end. As she watched the ship grow closer, time seemed to slow down. So this is what it's like to have your life flash before your eyes, she thought idly, as images began to flash through her mind. She found herself thinking of Jack and all their moments of decision. She once again felt the virus-induced burning desire she'd felt while under the influence of the Broca virus, and experienced afresh the passion she was supposed to not remember, at least, that she told herself was too hazy to recall. And a question that felt like an answer floated through her brain. Why had she chosen Jack that day? More images flooded her mind... one of her as Thera, holding onto Jonah with hope of their future. One after the other, she relived each near death-experience she'd had and somehow noticed only now that Jack had always been there when she woke up in the infirmary. She remembered the intensity of pain she'd experienced when Jack had been stranded on that moon with Maybourne, and she remembered her hallucinated kiss aboard the Prometheus and heard again all the things her concussed self had been trying to tell her. She saw in her mind's eye Jack standing at the dock that last night at the cabin, the promise in his eyes, as well as the restraint. Even then, she had been to uncertain and afraid to take the step.

She realized now that she'd been wrong earlier today. The universe had indeed been giving her Big Signs. Repeatedly. She'd just been too afraid to see them for what they were. To let them push her to take those next, scary steps.

In her final moments, as the Ori ship loomed large before them, she knew exactly how she felt, and what she wanted to do about it.

_Too bad I wouldn't get the chance_, she thought with a strange sense of calm, _seeing as how I'm about to go up in flames_. Then suddenly she found herself enveloped in bright blue light.

* * *

As soon as Sam had finished the post-mission physical and been cleared to leave the SGC, she'd headed straight home. Once there, she immediately got online and booked the next flight available to D.C. She hadn't really looked too closely at the cost of her same-day flight, and she was pretty sure she didn't want to know. She'd then taken a quick shower and thrown some clothes into a bag. While she usually packed with military efficiency, this time her bag was twice the normal size. She tried not to over think it, but what she needed for this trip would entirely depend on its outcome. She could see herself needing anything from a fancy dress and shoes for a night out on the town if things went well (the thought made her stomach do little flips) to some extra layers in case she ended up wandering the streets of DC in depression. _Hunh. I'd better throw in an extra sweatshirt_, she thought with a grimace, _it is November, after all_. DC was bound to be cold.

Two flights, one annoyingly long layover, and several hours of irritating discussion later, Sam was finally in D.C. On her first flight, Sam had been openly excited about her journey. When her seatmate asked her what she did for a living, she unthinkingly said "astronomy!" The next two hours found her answering question after question about the universe, and toward the middle of the flight, her seat mate became openly belligerent when she didn't immediately agree with his theory that the universe had exactly 12 dimensions. He'd seen in on some TV show once, so he was certain, he said. On her next flight, when the person next to her asked what she did for a living, she mumbled "math" and was promptly left alone, which was good. She needed to think.

She didn't really have a plan. She only knew what she wanted to say, and had some vague idea of what his response would be. She still had the occasional flashes of panic. What would she do if he rejected her? She didn't think he'd report her behavior, or anything, so most likely it'd just be incredibly embarrassing. And depressing... good thing she'd packed that warm, frumpy sweatshirt. She thought back to her experiences of the last few days, though, and steeled her resolve. She couldn't know what the future would bring, but she did know she had try. Too much time had already passed. There would be no more waiting.

After collecting her unnecessarily large bag from the baggage carousel, she headed out to find a taxi. After giving the driver the address, she sat back and tried to relax. She watched the city go by, and at some point the car turned into a quiet street of old brownstone townhouses. His home was near the end of the street, tucked away on a quiet corner. Her heart leapt into her throat as she paid the cabbie and stepped out onto his drive. Now that she thought about it, it wasn't really the best plan. It was rather late and here she was, showing up with her bag, and nowhere else to stay. Oh well, she reminded herself with a sigh, I can always find a hotel room somewhere nearby.

Her knock on the door was surprisingly steady. The way her heart was racing, she was surprised she managed to impart such decisiveness into her knock. The hour was a bit late. Not quite so late as to be the middle of the night, but still slightly past the point of a reasonable hour for visitors. _Especially unannounced visitors that plan to tip your life on its head_, she thought with a smile. She reminded herself again that the hotel was an option, if needed. There had to be a decent one around here somewhere. Yes, it was a _perfectly_ fine option... Always good to have a solid Plan B. _Hmm... _Sam briefly considered how often over the years she'd needed Plan B (or C, D, or even E...) _ Maybe I should have gotten the number for that cab company... _

With a blinding suddenness the front porch light was turned on. Sam squinted toward the door under the light. She could hear some scuffling noises behind the door, and then it creaked open, revealing a disheveled and clearly half asleep Jack O'Neill.

"Carter?"

"Hey."

Jack slid one arm up along the door and leaned into the door frame. "What are you doing here? It's the middle of the night." _And Washington_, his still somewhat sleepy mind added.

"Uh... oops!" In her eagerness, she'd forgotten to adjust her watch to Eastern time. That made it a bit later than she'd thought, and probably made her presence on his front porch a little more odd than she'd been going for. "There's a small chance I may have forgotten about the time difference." She gave him an apologetic grin. "I had some leave. And," she took a deep breath before plunging on, "I thought maybe we could... talk."

Carter wanted to talk? Jack eyed her uncertainly for a moment, trying with his still sleep-muddled mind to figure out why Sam Carter had just showed up on his doorstep. For Jack, it was the end of an incredibly long and incredibly irritating week. Since he'd moved to Washington, his days were filled with long, boring meetings that were usually dominated by ignorant blow-hard politicians, each with their own agenda. It was exhausting. With the battle wiping out most of Earth's fleet only a few days before, this week had been exponentially worse than most. So whatever the reason for her appearance, Sam Carter was a welcome sight for his weary eyes. Not that he'd ever admit that.

After a few beats, he pushed back from the door frame, swung the door open wide to let Sam in. "I'll put some coffee on" he said as he headed to the kitchen. Sam followed and closed the door behind her.

"Nice digs" Sam took in the dark wood furnishings and warmly painted walls. The kitchen was top of the line, with granite countertops and no doubt expensive stainless steel appliances. A bit over the top for reheating takeout food, Sam thought with a grin. But the luxury of the room didn't make it austere. The beige walls, the dark polished cabinets and the warm lighting gave the room a cozy feel.

After putting the coffee on to brew, Jack turned back toward Sam and leaned against the kitchen counter. "So, Carter, what brings you to my neck of the woods?"

"I was hoping we could talk."

Sam smiled as she watched Jack swallow nervously. "Talk?"

"Yes, well..." she felt suddenly nervous. She looked up at Jack, and felt her resolve waver... could they really have this conversation? As she looked up at him, trying to decide what to say, the sensation of floating and an image of the endless abyss of space stretching out before her flashed through Sam's mind. The certainty she'd felt as she'd watched the Ori ship grow large in their viewscreen washed over her afresh. Yes, she could... they could. She drew in a deep breath and took the plunge.

"Well, drifting untethered through open space for six hours really gives you time to think." She met his eyes with a smile, and then grew more serious "...about priorities, and what you want out of life. The things that are important." She stopped and looked at him, letting her words sink in.

Jack's eyes opened wide at her comment. "Uh... Carter..? Did you say untethered?" Jack had seen the report come in about the battle at the supergate. He knew about the devastating losses, and had looked with his heart in his throat at list of casualties, sighing in relief to see that SG1's insane luck had apparently held. Beyond that, he hadn't read all their individual reports. Apparently he was missing some significant details. "Carter, what the hell happened to you out there?"

"We wanted to dial out and prevent them from dialing in. I was beamed out to the gate to work on making the necessary changes. But," her voice abruptly softened, "we were too late." She paused and looked into the middle distance, recalling the sequence of events. "They dialed in and my magnetic boots disengaged. I was left drifting. I asked to be beamed back aboard, but with the ensuing battle and damage, they were unable to bring me back."

"I drifted for hours. I thought that the Odyssey had been destroyed. No one was answering my hails." Sam looked up at Jack and added in a near whisper, "I thought I was going to die alone out there."

Jack just stared at her. He knew a little bit of what that was like. When he and Teal'c had been hijacked by their X301, they'd had to sit and wait for help, all the while slowly running out of air. But he'd known Carter was at the other end, working on a solution. Somehow he knew she'd come up with something. But to have to wait like that, for hours, with nothing to do but watch your oxygen levels slowly drop, when no one even knew where to look for you...

"I lost my toolbox when they dialed in. There wasn't even anything to fiddle with. You would have hated it, Sir" Sam smiled, clearly trying to lighten the mood. Jack laughed with her, the tension of the moment partly broken. He poured them both some coffee, handed her a mug, and then leaned back against the counter, watching her intently. "So then what happened?"

"As I said, it gave me time to think."

"Ah... the big Carter brain at work. Very surprising. And what grand mysteries of the universe did you ponder?"

Sam gave him a look he couldn't quite interpret. "Well, a lot of things, actually. Including you."

Jack's head incrementally inched backward in surprise. If she had to guess, it was probably surprise at her directness, rather than surprise at the actual idea itself of her thinking about him. At least, she hoped that's how it was. Before Jack could recover enough to crack a joke about being labelled a mystery of the universe, she rushed onward, words spilling out before the more cautious part of her brain could stop her. "I thought about us, and all the choices we made along the way. How things could have gone differently if we'd made different choices." She took a deep breath and slowed down a little, "to be honest, I was feeling pretty confused."

"But then, later, when Bra'tac was about to crash us into the Ori ship..." "Excuse me?" Jack interrupted. "He did WHAT?" That was definitely not in the report he'd read.

Sam looked a little sheepish. "Yeah, we didn't really emphasize that aspect of it in our reports. Bra'tac was leading three ships and when he lost the other two in their attack on the Ori vessel, he was determined to go down fighting. I pointed out that with their shields even a Ha'tak at ramming speed wouldn't touch them, but he wouldn't listen to reason. Cam tried to talk him out of it, but he wouldn't hear it. Luckily, the Odyssey showed up in time to beam us all out... even Bra'tac. Cam had managed to place a transponder on him. It was really close. We were only a few seconds away from impact. If the Odyssey hadn't shown up when it did..."

"Jesus, Sam!" Jack was really angry now. He'd always trusted Bra'tac. To think he would so pointlessly sacrifice his entire team (well, not _his_ any more, a small voice in the back of his mind reminded him) really pissed him off. Jack was so angry he was almost sputtering. Sam placed her hand on his arm, trying to calm him down. "It's ok Jack, we're here." She looked into his eyes searchingly. "We made it. We're okay."

Jack returned her gaze and let some of the anger dissipate. She's right. They made it out okay. He'd definitely need to have a little "chat" with Bra'tac about this the next time he saw him, but it could wait.

Sam leaned back against the counter. "On the plus side..."

"Plus side, Carter?" Jack quickly interrupted, one side of his mouth quirking upward. "Are you implying there's actually a plus side to almost crashing to your death in a Ha'tak?"

"Yes, exactly... the plus side" Sam said, grinning back at him. "Which, as I was saying... is that as the Ha'tak rushed toward the Ori ship, I had a moment of... let's call it 'absolute clarity.'"

"Clarity?"

"Yes" she said softly. "In that moment, I knew exactly what was important to me... exactly what I wanted."

Jack stared at her for a long moment as silence hung heavily between them. Then he seemed to make a decision. He cleared his throat and asked, "and that was...?"

"You."

Sam set her coffee down on the counter, pushed off the island countertop she'd been leaning against, and took two steps toward Jack, crossing all the boundaries of personal space that they'd carefully maintained over the years. Taking a deep breath to summon her courage, she leaned in slowly and brushed her lips softly against his. She drew back enough to look him in the eye, waiting for his reaction. They stayed suspended like that for several intense moments, watching each other, their breath mingling. Suddenly, Jack's arms left the counter, wound around her waist and pulled her in closer. Their bodies were aligned from knee to shoulder as he held her in a tight embrace. Then, he kissed her with an intensity that reflected all the years of repressed feelings, all the worry he had for her in all her close calls, all the anxiety he'd had about lost opportunities. And she kissed him back. For once, it looked like she wouldn't need Plan B after all.


End file.
